For your daily dose of insanity.

My goal is not to wake up at 40 with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens..............
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this is the part ive learned after i entered the college yohoo. come to think of it, there's a part in the last paragraph that says realization, which means i reversed it, to much sweeter and most hateful job on my time... becoming a nurse.

everything is white. white is everywhere. i can see every student in the block wearing the same half slits and holding the same books..
it takes a lot of brain to be a nurse.. it means, You'd be surprised how handy a command of basic literacy skills can be... my t shirt is a bit noisy tellin people i am in demand.

So guess what, i have my exams tomorrow and im doing some internet chattin here. Don't worry about it. How much can they tell from a standardized test? I've had fortune cookies that were more accurate.

ok so, i blog when my alter ego wants to communicate... so let me tell you some facts according to my alter ego... (at the benefit of the doubt.. if someone knows, you can click the red cross at the upper right of this page..)

1. i like to read. thank goodness, there's a resort for all the lame preachers of this world... atleast i can stop the talkin by closing the book, unlike people who takes pride on what they are saying... their aspirations and achievements yakitty yack yack..bombers. they just dont stop.

2. i dont indulge myself in some expensive work of man.. i just use what i have.. and i dont give a fuzz in some eyedropping gadgets. Nor do I indulge in illegal substances (I don't even order pizza with mushrooms).

3. I still prefer to think of myself as a negative role model, in that I am negative about most things, which is just being realistic, which now that I think about it is a positive trait after all. Wait. Now I'm confused.

4. We will make even more references to existentialist philosophers and self-destructive painters, thereby qualifying as educational programming. now its not mine...its from my cynical friend.

5. Clinging desperately to youth is pathetic. People should accept their age, take pride in it, flaunt it. (Please note that I reserve the right to change my mind about this three seconds after I turn thirty.)

yours in a mental gown,
ulapski, femme fatalistic

the road fragrant with rugbies and rabies...

cold shower is the best.. much more in midnight... and im exercising (again) my insomia.
my dog is a bit upset because i didnt let that filthy husky go inside the house..
time to beat up this steady state, and let's move on.

in our roadtrip scenario in san lazaro,i intentionally ignored those parents sniffing some orange sticky glue inside their clothings.. too bad my classmates have a little laugh about that, trying to fit in to the commotion, i started laughing too.. absurd to the fact that it is not really funny, because they considered it as a "food", a means to satisfy their hunger. i aimlessly told myself to divert my attention to what i was lacking..(like worrying about my grades and exams etc).. may problema din ako.. and it will just pollute my mind and hate this country once more..

another agenda: im really neurotic at this one, and its a bit alarming.

I cant stand it. staring at the church and its elements... after i watched that video, im a bit terrorized with the content. and because of that, 3 months na ko hindi nagsisimba.. but i call to God more often now. trying to talk about everything in mind with the Lord. And im still praying to guide me to your light LordGod. i really have to decide my sabbath day...moving on..

nakupo.. narrowed na vision ko... paanu ba to? hahahay!! its past 12am na and i have my duty at 4am, so panu na to... maglalaway na2man ba ko sa van...? speaking of drooling, theres a pt in a hospital, have stage 2 Rabies and its not a pleasing one and a bit disturbing as well.. they locked the room and leave the patient inside.. drooling and in restraints. narinig ko pa silang nagtatalo na bakit nilagyan pa ng swero ung pt., eh its no use, the pt will still die, para bang....sayang lang.. alam nyo namang hindi na uubra. kaya for all the readers, if uve been bitten by a dog or a cat(its more dangerous) dont ignore it, rabies may take mos or yrs to develop depending on the location of the bitten site, the more far from the brain, the longer... kaya immediate vaccine is needed.. once the pt is crazy, iisa nalang hantungan mo. seriously.

for the time being, sayo muna ung mga requirement ncp ko. akoy iidlip laang at may misadventures pa ko,, tc ^^
bb

Tribute for being a rain hater...

Footsteps are lightly taken,
But hurrying anyway,
The thunder like a lion's roar
Prompts a dispersion.

What's going on?
That's right...the rain's coming.

It's gonna rain!
I really hate the rain,
I wanted to stay here a little longer,
In the instant when the pleasant sensation was changed,
When the lion made me hurry
It was obvious, No! Annoying.

It's gonna rain!
Has the rain erased his alibi?
Did he already forget?
Is this all the two of us will become?
Let's make all of this the rain's fault.
As for calls from him, Nothing Nothing
And lessons from the rain too, Nothing Nothing
If my mind would change
Like the weather in England
That would be a relief...but it's the opposite.
It's gonna rain!

The rain has made my fever return.
But he also suddenly remembered me.
The two of us were guided to here now.
It's all the rain's fault, no, thanks to it.


The rain calls people and makes them disappear--
A magician stronger than anyone.
The two of us had merely been fooling each other;
And didn't everything start in the rain.
It's gonna rain!
It's gonna rain!

Vacation 2008

March 2008

Once again im back. There is a march wind blowing, and the sky is filled with heavy black moving clouds. The sky in cebu is far greater than here in Bulacan. Full of mountain ridges and many green trees in the sky line. We really have that excitement in our eyes waiting to explore all of cebu has to offer.

This place is a whole new place for me. New dialect, people and places. I'll honestly say that it is more nicer and industialized here than anywhere in Bulacan. (could i be so bad that i prefer here than in the place I call home?)

After exams and 2nd sem of 3rd year, I can already close my books and be off over the hills to race with the wind. Hah! vacation at its grandest!

The Mountain View of Cebu is amazing. Especially at night. The Skyline is majestic from the top. We viewed the city at the top of the mountain. In La Tegola where they serve italian cuisine. Good thing the pasta they served are separated with and without shrimp in a diff plate..(allergies is such a burden) thanks to my couz, bon appetit!

I have been walking and talking and eating with superb restos here in cebu with my cousins... i especially love the turtle's nest cafe, where they serve high class burgers in a cheap prize ( i didnt mention that foods and transpos here in cebu are actually cheap) and there are paintings and artists everywhere..


We also traveled different modes of transportation... lite shipping, Jetboat, Mini private bus, airplane, ferry, boat to diff islands...whew! imagine ourselves get very dizzy and high... half of the vacation we occupied ourselves traveling in several spectacular remote areas.. good thing it is, because that's the only way you can protect it from any danger brought by man and its machines.. moving on.

We tried alot of things... wall climbing which is the highlight of all. Go cart, bowling, kayak, mountain climbing, snorkling, island hopping though kulang pa ung sakin kasi i have to head back home because summer classes will start for completion of our cases... so ate stayed there and still enjoying some island near cebu...hays.

Bisaya dialect is like music in my ears.. they all speaks that dialect and it sounds cute or shall i say eccentric because nakakabulol talaga... kaya i really want to learn that dialect. Kulata ka ron is my favorite phrase... hehehe..

We also visited Zamboanga, the native land of my father. There is a great story behind papa's strong character..

We went to the place where papa and his sis and bros worked during their young ages. The ricefields is quite wide for their small little hands back then, but it was their salvation. The trail led over a hill, through a ricefield, and into a bushy mountain where we had to leap lightly from hummock to hummock. We kept losing the trail and wasted 10 minutes over the bushy mountain. Then up a hill through some woods. Our destination is the coconut trees, they showed us the way of living in a remote and uncivilized area. Uncle Henry your the man!

Sunday afternoon. March 2008

We are still here, we climbed the Mountain View sunday afternoon. That's a mountain near the city, not an awfully high mountain, perhaps - no snow in there (definitely)- but atleast you are pretty breathless when you reach the top. The lower slopes are covered with woods, but the top is just piled with rocks and cemented roads.. thats the last time i saw kuya verdie who early leave cebu with tita divina because of here upcoming graduation... congrats kuya. we hurriedly accompany them to the airport and after that had a solemn mass in the Cebu Parish Church (im not sure with the name of the church).

i guess thats about it. or shall i say, tinatamad na ko? hehe be back for more.

till then....

True Friend Test^_^ enjoy

Create your own Friend Test here

Raindrops on my window pane...

Im still waiting for his reply... good ol me preparing to be kilig again... restart, home... refresh. a million times still no reply. is it about what ive said? gnawing with all this emotions.. it so happens that im really not over him.

barely not telling anyone about this, but who cares. were busy making some improvements for ourselves yet we still use our minds and thoughts for something special. this is my primary sactuary, my only... having my connections with him makes me feel home again.

im also scared to see some people who i am deeply attached with... but im trying to make a low profile for the time being... because to tell you honestly, im tired. i dont even know where did i get all those energy for different curricular activities.. im now a slowpoke.. absent minded and always have a disorganized thoughts... im trying my best to learn how to sort my ideas and thoughts...useless. kaya val, sorry if im not any use at all to you in your youthcamp same to you ate joy. always reminding me about being you, you can do this at the same time blah blah blah...
its not me. i have my limitations... i can be worn out too...

im not the same as before... i can see people walkin in a fast pace... time dont even waits for me.
while me still staring at them come and go... its just too fast. i cant keep up.


i dont even have someone to guide me... their all doin some changes just for their benefits. but im still happy. its nice to be alone too. .. but wait a sec..

im planning to try some art classes in manila after i graduate. would like to have a companion for my plan. artistic and full of dreary thoughts... no interest in whats goin on in politics... strictly i say! if your interested, message me. ill be waiting.

Tumawag ka na sa taas...

January 22, 2008. its my second duty in perez this finals. and i must say its been great. toxic pasyente ko pero hindi ko naramdaman dahil magaling ang CI ko...(sana mabasa ni mam.hehe) i dont usually talk and give therapeutic touch to patients because its a bit artificial. peo this time, i can tell she needed it.

she is soft and very endearing woman. she is recently comatosed and last night her body is cyanotic. the doctor was also shocked about what happened last night, and told the relatives "tawag na kau sa taas". the doctor instructed me do not let any visitors come that can change her emotions. strict bed rest and rest and sleep is a must. multiple drugs administered (almost 18) and Intravenous infusions.

i stayed on her... checking her vital signs every 30 mins and smiled at her the whole day. she said that when her vital signs is not stable, she feels chest tightness... "ok po. pls po wag po kau mag alala kasi makakasama po sainyo yan. tulungan nyo po ang sarili ninyong gumaling... magpahinga nalang po kau nay". she is a bit disoriented, wakes up asking us the same questions that we already answered.

its sad that my duty in perez ended. "nay salamat po. magpagaling po kau at balitaan nyo po ako sa inyong kalagayan" she smiled at me and hold my hands so tight and gives me her thanks.

in many nurses today they can say my experience with the patient is nothing compared to theirs but its my first therapeutic talk and im glad i no longer see it artificial... its all about them. they are our job and there nuisance is our priorty. we save lives and we touch them. its not about academics... its about life.

Write Where It Hurts

this is the start of my freedom! no more sister who bugs me 24/7, no schedule of use of the net, no sister to nag me in everything i do in the house... this is life... and the side effect? i cant share arguments with my parents to my sister,,, and worst the silence is deafening... im alone.

she is in cebu with my cousins there.. and my younger sis is in the regionals for cla-a.swimming competition...

wow...and here i am stuck in this room... bored.

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im so pissed sa jeep kanina...

im with 2 perverts staring to a girl's exposed cleavage... the guy is telling his friend the girl's sexy outfit and when the other guy stared the girl he said "hindi naman eh" (it means that the girl is not beautiful) and ang sabi ng lalaking naglalaway "bulag ka lang ata ehh..." gustong gusto ko ng tumalon ng jeep dahil sa kasalaulaan ng dalawang lalaki... at kapag nakita nyo talaga ang mata ng manyakis na un... ha ha hays.... nakakabaliktad ng sikmura.

but before that, 2 old pervs again *diff guys naman, stucked in my path waiting for a jeep to pass by, staring to a korean girl who is showing some skin off.. loose pants with straps top and her belly is showin. the stare and what their saying is unbearable...disgusting.

bias or not bias... girls are provoking them not to be nice... so siguro at some point, meron ding mali ung mga babae....

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i enjoyed the discussion in matabolism, by Sir Valerio... i cant stop laughing. he is very funny and he really good with the lecture. sure enjoyed it, and my sleeping meter that time is 37% unlike with the others 89% bored meter... whew. retdem again tomorrow ok im off seeyah again..

There have to be clouds for there to be silver linings

so many things to do.. but so short time. im having a return demonstration today at exactly 4pm but it is cancelled due to the occassion. its valentines day and its not about my blog. i just thank its valentines not bec. of the romantic ambiance and everythin, its with the fact that they have to cancel some sched just to celebrate the occassion. humans...

now the impending danger. now i have a backlag... and they will rush me later to make their record book complete... rotten system it is.

its good thing to be at home. especially if your broke. and you have several things to do... and ended the day unaccomplished.

ive broke a promise. now its tearing me apart. beer is really not bad... it has many LDL and tryglycerides but it can be exreted thru the kidney. (lame excuse)

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My mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment- upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out the window: you always concentrate my whole senses... oh no. im doing it again. im searchin you. im searching for love.. you really inspire me to extract every detail i had in mind. shameless and naive... im guilty with every feeling i have towards you. its eerie i suppose but it really satify my thirst for something that is nothing...(does it make sense? hehehe)

nagisip ng konti... may nahita... may nawala, inisip hindi na makita.
ang tagal naman maligo ni mama... i dont use my bathroom in my room anymore, i hate cleaning it so i used my moms and sis'

now im drained out of thoughts because im sleepy and my brain is cloudy, precipitated, illuminated, inscruciated(wat does that mean?!) anyway im blurd... this whole blog will waste your time....

Right on the corner bar stool. he would slip in when I wasn't looking and ask me to play the same song over again everytime he came in. Strange lilting tune, and then he would smile. Ohh what a smile, so sad...... so beautiful...

......................end

just another wasted love song

had you guess the feeling that i contained?

i had to make myself this depressed to make my blog about it. it sucks bigtym because no one called at my house to ask if im ok... texted me to inform that we have to pass our draft and worst doing all day some nonsense surf in the net and ended up getting late the next morning... (i slept 3am)

just having a couple googles in the net, i saw something sad. its a statement probably for me. it saddens me to see that in his shoutout because he used to be so sweet and ending up bein so cold and mean...

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he used to be my friend and sweetheart but look at him. he is a cold hearted person. it stained him definitely. he is a well centered egotistic guy.

i hope youll realize that i am talkin to you.

hope that youll txt me once more to clear some things up that confused me.. i cant keep in touch with you because of your lame excuse... ( i always knew ) i just want to say sorry and you can forgive me then leave. that's the nicest thing to do to move on with our lives.

"That time of my life is burned into my memory, and it keeps coming back to me. Forwards towards the light..."

Its a bit weird this passed weeks, memories with him still lingers on me...

it shouldn't be. im trying to make it simple as much as possible. my life my studies, the way i handle my problems.. but why am i searchin for trouble? why cant i just forget about him? forget him for good. im happy in my love ryt now,, no worries... but why i still dont see any complete figure of it? why cant i not draw it..?

he is my complete self awareness of me... like floating in my nerves that makes me shiver... he doesnt talk to me in my middle yrs in highschool.. i dont even saw his eyes staring at me like he's in love... but why...bakit pa? bakit kelangan pa nyang sabihin un? i missed him for a long time and still not even a good conversation... not even a minute.

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now im stuck here with astounding emotions inside me. it bothers me... but still i like the complete experience... im still waiting.

we are both stuck in one place.. and no one dares to move.. our endless wait will make us weak and tired...

ill just enjoy people beside me.. who makes me happy and who never leave me... (names are fictional taken in honey and clover series) my Hanamoto... u are always my first choice... but still my morita will be here in my heart. ill watch you. However, if you don't realize that by now, then you'd better leave... but i guess you already left.

Is something that will disappear the same as something never existed?

like clouds i cant touch.. but i can see... i know your truly soft, yet i cant even touch you.

Ill watch you forever.

but when i thought about pulling myself together and seeing him again...that i want to create something knew and show it to him. that is when...

i thought i saw a light in front of me.

at the crossroads where we split ways.

Dear God

First I want to thank you for the life you still gave me this new year. Its a real blessing that ill be able to see my loved ones this year. Thank you for the blessings and the trials that i have succeded and for the blessings that will still be present with my life God. I am greatful for the happiness and wonderful experiences that is happening with my life right now... even if we are not blessed with material things, i still have the feeling of your presence last christmas and till this new year. Thank you and I love you God...and I still pray for peace and love this whole year together with my friends, and loved ones who are all important to me.

Your daughter,

Paula Marist Jangcan